Parenting tweens and teens is no picnic, especially when bullying comes into the mix. But what happens when it’s your own kid acting like a bully? One mom is experiencing this exact scenario, and she’s asking the internet for advice on how to handle her tween daughter’s bullying behavior.
In a recent Reddit post, she shared that her 11-year-old daughter, who is going into the sixth grade, has been making “fun of kids wearing Walmart clothing” or other name-brand clothes and shoes. “I’m fed up with it and it’s not like we have a lot of money to begin with. I don’t understand where she learned this attitude,” she added. “I spent three years wearing the same ten dollar Walmart shoes. Her friends seem to share this attitude and my daughter pretends we have money to impress these friends.”
“Me and her dad have opposing views,” she continued. “I want to take her to Walmart for her back to school clothes and shoes. Her dad thinks it’s cruel. What do you all think?”
Fellow Redditors came through with their thoughts on the matter. In one top-voted comment, a user wrote, “It is not cruel. What is cruel is making fun of people who cannot afford as much, or making fun of their sense of style. Bullying has real impacts on people, sometimes long-term, and I suggest the superficialness your daughter is displaying gets adjusted now before she becomes a teenager. Middle school can already be difficult for many students and I’m sure you don’t want your daughter to be the reason someone struggles with their self-confidence.”
In response, the original poster explained that this is why she and the girl’s dad are in disagreement. “He was often bullied for his clothing and doesn’t want to do that to our daughter. But you are right, she is the one hurting others self-confidence and he needs to see it from that perspective. Thanks.”
Some users suggested having a direct conversation with the child, having her write letters of apology to any kids she has bullied face-to-face (or online). If the bullying is occurring behind their backs, one user suggested having her reflect privately in a journal about why it’s wrong. Others believe a more forceful approach would help, recommending taking away all name-brand items and enrolling the child in therapy, along with volunteer work with local charities, if they were warned repeatedly and already given boundaries over the behavior.
Boston Children’s Hospital has tips for parents who discover their kids may be bullying others:
- Talk to your child. It’s very important to address bullying behavior with children. Parents need to explain how singling a person out and being mean to them repeatedly over time harms that person. Kids who are bullied have higher anxiety, depression, and a host of health problems that often last well into adulthood.
- Teach empathy skills. Many of the bullies we encounter in our clinic lack empathy or refuse to see how their behavior affects other people. Ideally, kids start learning to empathize with others at an early age, but it’s never too late. The good news, their brains continue to develop into their 20s.
- Consider neurological evaluation. We’ve had a number of children come to the bullying clinic or general neurology clinic with undiagnosed ADHD. Often, when we treat their underlying condition, their behavior improves remarkably. They’re able to tolerate frustration and control their impulses far better.
- Address issues at home. Addressing abuse in the home could help the aggressor by easing a source of significant physical and emotional stress. If a family needs help in this area, Boston Children’s department of Social Work and Family Services can provide supportive counseling and services.
OP noted that she does not like this particular friend group, and that her daughter had been bullied herself over her clothes in elementary school. It seems her daughter’s father is trying to protect her from more bullying, inadvertently allowing her to become the bully.
Here’s hoping both parents can find themselves on the same page regarding this sticky situation, and that their daughter can learn how hurtful her behavior is towards other kids. No child should feel targeted for the tags or labels on their clothes and shoes—full stop.
